Written by Debbie Brace, Founder and Creator of Baby Talk and Play, this blog explores the importance of connecting with a child or baby before redirecting their emotions during settling, through mind-mindedness.
Baby Anna arrives with her father, (Tomas). She has her face burrowed into his shoulder – she is whimpering softly. Her Key Person (Kate) is waiting by the door to welcome them both. Anna turns her head to look at Kate, her face is pale, her mouth is turned downwards.
‘Hi Anna’- Kate says in what sounds like a gentle tone, touching the flat of her hand on Anna’s back.
Anna whips her head round turning away from Anna’s greeting and presses her face and body even closer into her father’s chest. Kate waits quietly - her flat hand remains on Anna’s back.
Anna slowly turns her head back towards Kate’s face.
‘Oh', Kate frowns and turns her own mouth downwards ‘you don’t seem sure about coming into Nursery today’. She pauses. Anna stares unblinking before looking back to her father and then again back to Kate’s face.
‘You are not sure about me yet’ says Kate, ‘that’s ok - we can get to know each other slowly.’
If we can hold a baby’s emotional state in our mind like this and give them the time and space to process what they are experiencing rather than rushing to distract them or try to make their feeling go away, then we are being mind-minded.
Mind-mindedness
The term mind-mindedness was coined by psychologist Dr Elizabeth Meins and colleagues to describe this deeply important psychological process — and its significance in a baby’s development cannot be overstated. When babies experience lots of mind-minded interactions with their key carers — when the adults around them notice, think about and respond to their inner world — this helps to lay the foundations for secure attachment relationships and supports the development of early language and communication skills.
So, when a baby is telling us that they feel emotionally unsettled and they communicate this to us through observable behaviour such as:
-turning or pulling away
-staying near the door or window
-finding it hard to fall asleep or eat
-holding onto their parent’s leg as they try to leave the room
-wanting to wear their bag or coat and not to take it off
-looking pale and drawn
-pointing at the door and crying out
-not wanting to be put down
-not wanting to be picked up
Connect before we redirect
We can wonder about what their behaviour is telling us and what they might be saying or asking for, and we can try to connect with this feeling and put this wondering into words like Kate did.
‘Maybe you are wondering why Daddy is not staying’
‘Maybe you are not sure of my face yet’
‘You are waiting by the door- perhaps you are wondering when Mummy will come’
We can then try to redirect the baby to something that we know they have enjoyed before (a book, activity, toy or song)
‘You enjoyed the caterpillar book yesterday- shall we look at the caterpillar book whilst you wait for mummy?’
What is important is that we connect BEFORE we redirect. Siegel and Bryson (2012) give lots of examples in their book referenced at the end of this blog for those wanting to learn more about the neuroscience behind this important way of responding and to think about how this applies to older children.
Being mind-minded
Sometimes educators wonder whether they will “make it worse” by mentioning Mummy. When the baby cries at the mention of her, it can certainly feel as though talking about Mummy has made things harder for them. But although it can be difficult to hear a baby cry and know that they are feeling emotionally unsettled, acknowledging their feelings does not make the feeling worse. In fact, it can make things better.
When we gently acknowledge what a baby might be feeling, we are showing them that we notice, that we are trying to understand, and that their feelings are safe to have. And isn’t that what we often need too? It can feel so much better when someone acknowledges how we are feeling and seems to understand. It’s no fun being told to “cheer up” when you don’t feel cheery!
If we can take a breath and notice our instinct to jolly the baby along or quickly move them out of their distress, and instead slow down and join the baby and stay in the range of their emotion (Beebe), something much more powerful can happen. We can pause, take in what the baby might be communicating, think about why they might be feeling or behaving this way, and show them that we are trying to understand. In doing so, we are supporting something fundamental to their emotional development — we are being mind-minded.
Techniques to help
-Slow down and pause
-Mirror facial expressions to stay in the emotional range with the baby -Say What you See (name the painful feeling)
-Use Photos: Having a photo of the special people in the baby’s life for them to look at and hold onto, can be of great comfort and give the baby the sense that you understand their need for their parent.
References
Beatrice Beebe- video microanalysis
Brace, D. (2020). ‘Settling In’: Exploring the complexes of observing and responding to young children’s communicators of distress as they start day care, Infant Observation 23 (3),pp. 133-148.
Brace, D. (2026) ‘Exploring relationships within formal day care: Effective Settling Systems. in Norman, A and Guard, C. (eds) Being with Babies: Establishing a Sense of Belonging in Early Childhood Settings. London: Routledge
Meins, E., Fernyhough, C., Fradley, E., Tuckey, M. (2001) 'Rethinking maternal sensitivity: mothers comments on infant’s mental processes predict security of attachment at 12 months’, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 42(5), pp. 637-648.
Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P. (2012) The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. New York: Delacorte Press
Debbie Brace -babytalkandplay- Founder/Creator
Historically a qualified teacher, Debbie Brace works directly with babies and their families as well as the early years education workforce. Graduating with an MA in ‘infant mental health’ from the Tavistock and Portman NHS trust, she is also an accredited Video Interaction Guidance (VIG) practitioner. Debbie’s attachment and psychoanalytic informed approach inspire parents/carers and early years professionals to have meaningful interactions and strengthen bonds between babies, young children and their caregivers giving them the best chance of developing positive foundational relationships alongside early language skills.