Alan came over to me at home time - he was having a difficult time with Haris, his son. Haris has been in nursery for 2 months now.
I found a quiet area for us to speak.
Alan: I’m struggling with Haris - he doesn’t like going out.
Tazmin: Can you say a bit more about this, what does Haris do?
Alan: On Saturday, I wanted to take him to my family’s house, but he became frustrated as soon as I went to the door. He started to cry, and it got louder and louder.
Tazmin: Yes, it must be difficult when that happens
Alan: He doesn’t speak to us, so we don’t know what’s going on.
Tazmin: I’m so glad you came to talk about this - it’s not easy for you and Haris when this happens. It seems that Haris doesn’t like sudden changes - does that sound about right?
Alan: Yes, that’s it.
Tazmin: Many young children find this difficult. What does he like to do at home?
Alan: He like soft balls, cars and looking at books, but this isn’t what matters now! I’m having a hard time when Haris refuses to leave and he’s banging his head - I don’t want him getting hurt.
Tazmin: I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Haris is trying to tell you that he’s feeling frustrated - he does this by crying and banging his head. He’s communicating with you – he wants to tell you what’s going on for him.
Alan: Ah, ok, I understand. What should I do though?
Tazmin: When this sort of thing happens here, we go down to the child’s level - so kneel or sit down - and calmly say how they seem to be feeling. You could say, “Haris, you’re feeling sad, aren’t you? You don’t want to go out with Daddy. Daddy is here and it’s okay.”
Alan: How will he understand, he doesn’t communicate?
Tazmin: Haris’s crying and banging his head is his way of communicating. And he’ll sense that you’re being kind and caring to him.
Alan: I’m glad he’s trying to tell me, but how will I get him out to see my family?
Tazmin: It might help if you prepare him - maybe tell him the day before and talk about what he can do there, like read or play with his cars. Then 10 minutes before you go, say, “Haris, let’s get your cars and books ready and we’ll go to see grandma.”
Alan: Thanks Tazmin, but I don’t think it’s going to work, he won’t understand.
Tazmin: If you show Haris objects and pictures to communicate it may help - try showing a photo of your family members and get the cars and books out with him. If there’s something he enjoys at your family house you could take a picture of it and show it before you go.
Alan: oh, yes, I get that – it’s worth a go.
Tazmin: Some ideas will work; some won’t - all children are different. You’re doing a great job!
I gave Alan some emotion cards – he was glad to have a resource that may help. We fixed a time to meet again in two weeks.
How my conversation is based in evidence- based practice
I recommended the Sharing Attention strategy of the ShREC approach: the adult gets down to the child’s level and tunes into what is going on for them. I hope this supports Alan.
At Sheringham we recognise that a collaborative approach with parents empowers them to make informed decisions and feel confident about supporting their child. I prioritise this by working closely with Alan, following the EEF’s recommendation to ‘focus on building parents’ efficacy— that they are equal partners and can make a difference’ (Working with parents to support children’s learning, EEF, 2021)
Questions for reflection:
- Think of a time when a parent shared some useful information about their child.
Could you make this a two-way process and share your observations with them?
Want to know more?
EEF: Working with parents to support children’s learning
Anna Freud: Common difficulties
Sheffield Children’s NHS: Suggestions for using emotion monitoring cards
National Day Nurseries Association (NADA): Non-verbal communication in the early years